I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
