Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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