Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
