i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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