he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
