I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
