Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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