Cold hands, warm shart.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
