Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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