alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
