i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
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I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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