I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
