Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
