He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
