I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
