I wish I only lived at night.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
