I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
