believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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