Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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