Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
