Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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