my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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