I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
