Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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