please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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