the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
