I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
