I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
