Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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