there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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