i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
