im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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