Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
