Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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