dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
porn star boner night. come get it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
