so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
