my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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