mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
