I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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