Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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