my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
