so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
