I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
