ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Drunk is a universal language darling
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