remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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