So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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