got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
