normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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