I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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