Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
