You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
