So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
