he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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