she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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