it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
