we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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