Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
