Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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