Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
