She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
