life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
