last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
