I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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